Does Anyone Have a Large Hacksaw?


Hacksaw? About a mile from our house, a gas station/convenience store put up a humongous sign.

I’m not good on dimensions, but I’ll do my best.

Those college and NFL Jumbotron screens. This one is bigger.

How high in the sky is it? I didn’t climb up on top of it, but I suspect you can see Great Falls, Montana, Seattle, Los Angeles, Brownsville, Texas, Baton Rouge, Cuba, London, Big Ben, Moscow, and Siberia.

It’s a double-sided sign. How much can you write on one side? Here again I didn’t measure it, but I suspect the entire works of Shakespeare. You might need to leave off a sonnet.

The other side of the sign can support the Congressional Record. In case the Congressional Record doesn’t ring a bell, when those politicians up in D. C. are standing up in both Houses of Congress and reading before an unpacked house, sometimes known as empty, it’s going into the Congressional Record. Do you realize these men and women have been talking since 1776 (women only a short period of that time, relatively speaking)?

Protests were staged, and the sign person is willing to work with our City Council to appease everybody. But you know how fast politics move.

Now you know why I need a large hacksaw. A five-foot hacksaw. Every time I go by the gas station/convenience store, I’ll take out the hacksaw, and saw a little on the metal pole base of the sign. I’ll park the car in front of where I’m working, and they will probably assume my car broke down.

I can’t haul a truck on the lot with that welding machine on it. I think you can connect an oxygen blow torch to it, or whatever it is that gets 4,000 degrees, and I’d be done in a jiffy. The problem is the store clerks more than likely suspect something, and our police would only be a jiffy getting there.

The Chief would be disappointed in me, because when I wrote about him and his police department some time ago, he thought I walked the straight and narrow.

This is a congested area, so I’ve got to make sure I’m cutting it in the right place for it to fall. There’s a parking lot over behind it, and three o’clock one morning would be about right.

You have to remember at my age I am a slow hacksawer. When I was not my age, I was not a fast hacksawer. It will take some time. In the meantime, I think we need to come up with a temporary fix.

This has been a longitudinal, latitudinal, and epitudinal PR disaster for the sign person. He’d probably like something to relieve the pressure for a while. Here’s my proposal.

The sign should join Facebook. Think of all the Facebook postings that people put up who want to read what they wrote in big letters up on that humongous sign. And the pictures can take up the whole sign board. Even people who don’t even belong to Facebook will be slowing down, gawking as they drive down the street, craning their necks, and reading the postings, and looking at the pictures to see if they know the people. That will be a monumental PR winner.

There is a minor downside to my suggestion. There will be a 5 mile per hour 150-car pileup on the four intersecting streets there. That might be a Guinness record for fender benders.

When our police arrive at my front door in only a jiffy, I’ll tell them my computer was hacked, and I have no idea who made such a stupid suggestion.


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