Emotional Service Dog. If you had to read that twice, don’t feel bad. When I saw the tag on the dog’s jacket, I had to read it twice, to make sure I was comprehending what I saw.
I was in the bank on Monday, waiting in line for a teller. I turned and there was a lady behind me with the big, docile dog. She said I could pet him, and I did. Her office was in that building, upstairs from the bank. She’s a divorce lawyer.
I’m quite certain people get upset about divorces, but I never thought a dog could mediate the situation. That proves how much I know.
Can you imagine this lawyer, and the other person’s lawyer, and the two people about to be divorced in the conference room having at it, and this dog walks in, looks around without saying a word, everybody stares at him, and gets embarrassed at their behavior. The dog meanders around and stares at each one individually, and they slowly return to civility.
I wanted to ask the lady lawyer exactly what the emotional service dog does, but I didn’t have the chance before a cashier called me to her window. The scenario I just cited sounds like a good one to me.
Those penetrating eyes asking the person if they really want to be remembered for how they acted on this day. And, of course, the dog’s size, about that of a Shetland pony, portending what he could do if irritated, and silently quizzing those involved about whether they want to find out.
The dog comes to work every day. I’m not sure of his wages. Maybe a box of milk bones at the end of the week. If he’s had a good week where he’s diffused say three situations, maybe she takes him down to a nearby restaurant that has excellent steaks.
I should have asked her if the dog makes house calls. I could imagine telling my wife I’m divorcing her after all these years. I’d need to determine, prior to my announcement, exactly which side the dog is on.
If he sides with my wife, then my wife would be chasing me down the street with pots and pans in hand to bounce off my head when she caught me. The dog, in somewhat of an emotional state himself, would be chasing me and barking. More than likely the neighbors in our quiet neighborhood, would feel the need to call the police.
When the police arrived, the only ones they would see are my wife and the dog. When questioned, my wife would say, “When you find that scoundrel, let me know. He’s hiding in the bushes somewhere, and this dog can’t find him, because he’s not a bloodhound.”
Now if the dog sides with me as I tell my wife about the impending divorce, we both would be running down the street, and my wife with those same pots and pans in hand, would be pursuing and gaining on us. Maybe my wife would consent to a temporary timeout for me to call for another emotional service dog to calm down the emotional service dog that is running with me, because I’m quite certain in his duties he has not duplicated this scene, or been subjected to a chase of this nature.
How does a dog get certified for this duty? He is certified. Does he raise his paw at the end of training and swear he will bite more men than women when the situation calls for it? Does he say he will walk over and put his paw in a person’s lap when he knows they are lying? Does he read over the conditions of the divorce settlement, and if they are unfair, bark twice?
If you’ve ever seen the movie series of Robert Parker’s Jesse Stone (Tom Selleck) on TV, Jesse’s dog can stare down Jesse to the extent he feels guilty whether he did anything or not.
This emotional service dog can do the same. I really think this lawyer should put a couple in an office with three chairs, with this dog in the middle, to stare back and forth between the two with irreconcilable differences. After thirty minutes they’d think they were about to do the worst thing in the world, and go home together happy. It would certainly lower the divorce rate considerably.
I really think with the service this dog provides, he should be made a full partner in that law firm.