What Not to Say to Get into a University


What not to say to get into a university. You read that right, and I repeated it. In other words, keep your mouth shut and your fingers off the keyboard and don’t make an entry on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc.

How I wish Lewis Grizzard were here. I would have loved to read his take on this. He’s twenty years not here. I’ll do the best I can.

Universities and colleges have taken to the social media to see what dumb things you would-be students are saying. I don’t know what they are, but I’ll hazard a guess or two.

The universities and colleges, for legal reasons, can’t answer, but they probably have two files on each would-be student, one kept in the dungeon below ground level for final checking should the student have had a favorable rating before then. I’ll guess as to what’s in the dungeon file.

Would-be University Student (henceforth known as WBUS), “Do you really think the school is smart enough to find out what I’m saying?”

UBAPhDC replies in dungeon file, “You dumb A__. Who do you think you’re dealing with, Florence Nightingale? Burn your diploma ‘cause you’ll never set foot on the threshold of this university.”

UBAPhDC is the person answering for the University Board of Admissions. She is a Candidate for her PhD, and her Doctoral subject is based on this very thing. Her ID is UBAPhDC.

WBUS: I’m an alpha male in high school. Does that matter?

UBAPhDC: Only if you try to pledge to a sorority.

WBUS: I’ve been told every university is like Faber College in “Animal House”.

UBAPhDC: We have a super-secret admission. Send in your tuition every year, and at the end of four years, we’ll let you know if you can come here.

WBUS: I’m not a good student. Will a 1.5 be a passing grade on a 3.0 scale?

UBAPhDC: If you plan to be a bum.

WBUS: I’m not a good student. Will a 0.5 be a passing grade on a 3.0 scale? My dad has plenty of money.

UBAPhDC: We’ll pick you up at the airport in a red Lamborghini. Give us the call letters on the tail of your private plane.

WBUS: Will Otis Knight play at our Toga Party like he did in “Animal House”?

UBAPhDC: Otis was a fictional character. Is your brain fictional?

WBUS: Can you give me a list of famous people who graduated from this university?

UBAPhDC: For future reference, you won’t be one of them.

WBUS: Can you give me the name of the president of the university. I need to send him a tweet.

UBAPhDC: You don’t know the name of the president of this university? John Dillinger III. He’s sensitive about the III. Don’t leave that off.

WBUS: Is your university a good place for me to find a husband?

UBAPhDC: That’s a first year course. Hubby-Hunting 101.

WBUS: Do you really think I’m stupid enough to post anything stupid enough to exclude me from your stupid university?

UBAPhDC: Dear Stupid.

WBUS: Will you help me find a job after I get my diploma?

UBAPhDC: A job. A job? You’re joking, right? We do try to get all parents to enter binding arbitration so you can live at home for twenty-five years rent free after you graduate.

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