Pat Paulsen for President


Pat Paulsen for President. Unless you go back a while to the Smothers Brothers’ TV show, you may not know who Pat is. The Smothers Brothers were comedic, and so was Pat.

He actually “ran” for President in 1968, and continued every four years through 1996. He provided some much needed relief from the words issuing from the mouths of lifelong politicians. He did receive a few thousand votes along the way.

With all the politicians throwing their hat in the ring now, so to speak, the monotony is almost overwhelming.

Nobody knows exactly what Pat would have done as President. Let me guess.

When the motorcycle reunion ended in Sturgis, they would have hit the road and headed for the White House. I think Pat would have stood at the front gate, and let the better-looking bikes onto the White House lawn, and instructed the others to park outside the gate. He’d have told one of the bikers to meet him at the end of the underground tunnel leading away from the White House, and given the guy a tour of D. C., while he rode in the side-car.

Pat was good at double-speak, and any foreign leaders with ambiguous feelings toward America would have left the White House with a tape recording of what he said, and kept playing it over and over to see if he agreed with them or not.

I have no doubt, he would have eaten breakfast in the kitchen with the kitchen staff, and enjoyed a conversation with them every morning, remembering points from their personal lives to bring up in that and subsequent conversations.

If you bothered to look at Pat’s facial expression, you know he would have held a birthday party every day at the White House for somebody. Young, old, in-between.

And a Rose Garden ceremony, he would have appeared with band-aides on his fingers, and the explanation that he was out cutting roses to take in the White House, and stuck his fingers on the thorns, and he didn’t feel like talking then.

I don’t think he would have had a press secretary for daily briefings. About once a week, he would have appeared in the press room, sat down in the audience, and shouted out, “Is the President of the United States ever coming out and talk to us guys and gals?”

When he did finally get to the podium, he would have had some unorthodox answers to reporters’ questions. Answers like, “Now, why did you ask that question?” Or maybe, “Would you ever ask your mother or father that question?” Or to another reporter, “Son, you come right on up here to the podium. I’m going out in the audience, and ask you some questions.” Or to another reporter’s pointed question, “I’m not sure what I think about that. What do you think?” Or in a more serious tone, which he was certainly capable of, as he referenced a particular reporter, “I’m sorry to hear about your father’s illness. Is he doing okay?”

I think he would have sent the presidential limousine and the rest of the accompanying vehicles on to the airport without him, while he rode a bicycle to the airport or took a cab. Unsafe you say? Not when twenty Secret Service agents were riding bicycles behind him, or surrounding his cab with ten other cabs.

And I would have loved to hear him make a speech in the Oval Office when some foreign power threatened us. No script, and perhaps the shortest speech ever from there, “Do you really want to mess with me?”

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