The NFL Lady Ref

T

The NFL Lady Ref. Actually she’ll probably be more like a line judge. But she’s in the game. She’s the first full time lady official the NFL hired.

Maybe it’s a PR ploy. That makes no difference. She knows the game.

The last NFL season was a PR disaster. It suspended a couple of players for violence. The courts decided the NFL had no right to do that, and reinstated them. There must be a morals clause in every NFL player’s contract. Either the judges didn’t believe it, or didn’t read it.

I do believe from what I’ve seen of fans’ reactions, if their favorite NFL player was a serial killer, they would not be upset as long as he was granted a temporary parole to play in the games. And were it a death row case, they would ask for a delay in the execution date, until his playing days were over.

I think this lady official should be able to bring along some new rules to the game. Clean it up.

After the Star Spangled Banner is sung, she should call a halt to the proceedings, and have barbers go up and down the sidelines of each team, and have them cut the hair of any player who has it sticking out the back of his helmet, or front of it. The fans didn’t pay good money to see a player penalized because he pulled the hair of another player. We’re having a football game here, not two women engaged in a hair-pulling contest.

And during the game, she should be allowed to carry around a can of hot pepper spray (the kind that’s the hottest on earth). When the player reaches to scratch his private parts or make an obscene gesture there, she sprays down in that area, and when the spray penetrates his uniform, he can be seen running out of the stadium ahead of the ambulance on the way to the hospital.

And all those profane comments during the game, she should also have a spray can each of Ivory soap and Lava soap, and spray the inside of his mouth with whichever one fits the severity of the words. He will be allowed a free timeout to go to the sidelines and wash out his mouth with water.

And those ridiculous celebrations in the end zone after a TD. She should have 18” spikes and a sledgehammer she can retrieve from the sidelines, so that when a player does that, she drives the spike between his toes through his shoe into the end zone, and there he will be the rest of the game.

That will be a slight problem for his own team, because each team is only allowed 11 men on the field, and he is the 11th man. Only 10 of his team will be running up and down the field, while the other team will have an extra man that is not anchored in the end zone.

You’ve seen the coaches huddle up on the sidelines with the offensive unit and the defensive unit when they are not in the game. There will now be a third group. The anger management group. That will be at the end of the end zone where the guy has his feet nailed to the turf. It’s obvious he needs some kind of counseling, and anger management  will sort of serve until he can get some over-joyous counseling the next day.

During the game, if the lady official notes tempers flaring, and unusual roughness, she dispatches the player to the anger management group. Both teams will be in the same anger management group. The length of time each player will be there is determined by the psychologist conducting the anger management class.

There will be guards on duty to ensure that no fans try to sneak in and pretend they are the players, so their players can get back in the game immediately.

And the end of that jersey hanging out of your pants. Forget it.

Can you imagine football looking like a good, clean American sporting event? Who’d a thunk it?

 

Add comment