The Silent Garbage Man


The Silent Garbage Man. At least he wishes he were.

Sandy Springs, Georgia outside of Atlanta must be the quietest city in the United States. They don’t allow garbage pickup before 7 A. M. and after 7 P. M.

A Waste Management employee decided to pick up at 5 A. M. The city prosecutor prosecuted him for that, and the judge sentenced him to thirty days in jail.

This guy has not won the $7,000 a week for life prize from Publisher’s Clearing House, so he has to work during the week. The judge let him serve his time on the weekend. He served two weekends, and the judge suspended the rest of his sentence.

I have a few questions here.

Sandy Springs, why don’t you pass an ordinance that says everyone has to have a plastic garbage can, and there will be no metal banging going on? It’s almost impossible to hear our garbage people come by. If you listen closely you can hear the truck engine when the truck is coming up the street, but no garbage collection. We put our garbage in a plastic bag, and have a secure place on a wall by our house, and the garbage collection noise is zero.

Did the garbage man come marching up the street in Sandy Springs with two garbage can lids in hand, and the local high school band playing “Stars and Stripes” behind him, and he banged the garbage can lids together like cymbals at the appropriate time? That might be the inappropriate time. And that disturbed everyone?

Who reported this guy? Some husband who’s been out all night with his mistress, and he’s coming home at 5 in the morning, sneaking in his house, and his wife hits him in the head with a rolling pin (this was the sturdy kind that belonged to her grandmother).The guy thought if it had not been for the garbage man picking up garbage at that early hour, his wife would have still been in bed. He complained about the early pickup to the city?

Was this garbage man in jail with hardened criminals? Imagine the conversation. Criminal #1,”I committed several murders.” Criminal #2, “I ripped up a bar, and threw all the furniture outside.” Waste Management employee, “I picked up the garbage at 5 in the morning.” “Five o’clock in the morning, “ criminals #1 and #2 echo together like those cowboys in the TV commercial when they find out a third dude gets his picante from New York City.

I saw the Waste Management guy on TV with his wife. Seems like a nice fellow. Nicer than me. If I were running that route, I would forget to pick up the garbage from the city prosecutor’s house, and the judge’s house on sporadic days, specifically those days where they cleaned out the freezer of outdated meats, and the garbage remains at their houses for a very long, odoriferous weekend.

I would drop a little garbage in front of a few houses where I suspected the calls to the city came from. When questioned I would say it was probably dogs roaming the neighborhood, and I certainly don’t have time to pick up garbage if it is not in containers.

And the one that always gets everyone. Raise the fees for collection based on the noise level, because it’s obvious Waste Management will need a specially equipped truck, the garbage man will need a hazmat suit, and will need noiseless Nike shoes. I think those would be special order.

I think Waste Management should tack on a snooty or elitism fee for Sandy Springs, Georgia.

I am on my way to Sandy Springs. I have with me 20 raccoons that I will drop off along that garbage route. They love to rummage through garbage cans and strew the garbage around. I also have 10 skunks that I will release. Quietly. At 5 o’clock in the morning.






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